Truly Seeing Our Kids
"We've been working on this for months and he's still not getting it. All his friends are reading chapter books and he's still stuck on sight words. I don't understand why this is so hard for him. I've done everything the teachers suggested. We practice every night. But he just... won't. And honestly? I'm exhausted. And embarrassed. And I don't know what else to do."
It isn’t the first (or the last) time I’ve been on the receiving end of a conversation like this. And here's what I heard underneath the words: This isn't going the way I planned. He's not who I expected him to be. And I'm not sure how to be okay with that.
I think it’s safe to say that we have a picture in our minds of who our child should be by now: what they should be doing, achieving, mastering. We compare them to their siblings, their classmates, the developmental charts, even our own childhood memories. And when they don't match that picture, we feel disappointed. Frustrated. Sometimes even ashamed.
That underlying question starts to turn into “Whose interests am I actually feeding into? Mine or theirs?”
Am I frustrated because my child is genuinely struggling and needs more support? Or am I frustrated because their struggle reflects poorly on me? Am I concerned about their development, or am I concerned about what other parents think? Am I meeting them where they are, or am I trying to force them into where I think they should be?
Paul writes something in Philippians 2 that cuts right to the heart of this:
"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:1-4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Ouch.
If we're really honest, so much of our parenting frustration comes from exactly that: selfish ambition (how our kids' performance reflects on us) and vain conceit (our pride, our reputation, our image of what a "good parent" looks like).
We want our kids to behave well because it makes us look like good parents. We want them to excel academically because it validates our parenting choices. We want them to be socially successful because their struggles feel like our failures. We want them to fit the mold because when they don't, it's uncomfortable and we don't know what to do with that.
But Paul explicitly writes: In humility, value others above yourselves. Look to their interests, not your own.
Maybe we could try positioning that within our parenting.
What if, instead of asking "Why is my child making this so hard for me?" we asked "What is hard for my child right now and how can I help?"
What if, instead of comparing our child to everyone else's timeline, we honored their unique developmental journey?
Instead of being embarrassed by their meltdowns or struggles, what if we got curious about what they're trying to communicate?
Or if we laid down our agenda - our timeline, our expectations, our image management - and truly looked to their interests?
Here's what I've learned in my years as an OT: Every child is wired differently. Some kids are sensory seekers who need to move constantly. Some are sensory avoiders who get overwhelmed by tags in their shirts. Some kids process language quickly. Some need extra time. Some are natural readers. Some will get there eventually, but need a different path.
And none of that reflects on you as a parent.
Your child's unique wiring, their challenges, their timeline, their struggles aren't failures. They are not evidence that you're doing something wrong. They're simply part of who God made them to be.
It’s easy to miss when we're parenting out of selfish ambition instead of humble service. We see their differences as problems to fix rather than design features to understand. We see their struggles as inconveniences rather than opportunities to support them. And sometimes, we might even see them as projects rather than people.
Paul grounds his call to humility in something crucial: "If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion..."
In other words, because Christ has shown you tenderness, show tenderness to others. Because you've received comfort from His love, extend that comfort. Because you've experienced His patience with your slow growth and repeated failures, extend that same patience to your child.
God doesn't parent you based on how well you reflect on Him. He doesn't withhold love when you're not meeting His timeline. He doesn't compare you to other Christians and sigh in disappointment. He meets you exactly where you are, with tenderness and compassion, and walks with you toward growth at the pace you can handle.
What if we parented our kids the same way?
What do they love? What lights them up? What are they naturally good at? When do they feel most confident?
Your child is a whole person, created uniquely by God, with gifts and strengths and a purpose that has nothing to do with whether they read chapter books in first grade or third grade.
When we can see our kids that way – when we can value them for who they are rather than measuring them against who we think they should be – everything shifts.
We stop being adversaries in a battle of wills and become partners on the same team… we stop trying to force them into a mold and start celebrating the unique shape God gave them. We stop parenting out of our own interests (our pride, our fear, our image) and start looking to theirs (their needs, their pace, their design).
So let me ask you…
Whose interests are you looking to in your parenting right now?
Are you frustrated because your child is truly struggling and needs support? Or are you frustrated because they're not matching your expectations?
Are you embarrassed by their behavior because it's genuinely harmful? Or because of what other people might think?
Are you pushing them toward a goal because it's what they need? Or because it's what you need to feel like a successful parent?
These are hard questions. I ask them of myself regularly. Because the truth is, it's easy to slip into parenting out of selfish ambition without even realizing it.
But Paul gives us a better way:
Humility. Valuing others above ourselves. Looking to their interests.
This doesn't mean we don't have expectations or boundaries. It doesn't mean we never challenge our kids to grow. It doesn't mean we just let them do whatever they want.
It means we see them… really see them. We honor their unique wiring. We meet them where they are developmentally instead of where we wish they were. We celebrate their strengths instead of only focusing on their weaknesses. We ask "What do you need?" before we assume we know the answer.
It means we lay down our pride, our image management, our need to have the "perfect" child - and we pick up the beautiful, complicated, wonderfully-made child God actually gave us.
Pick one area where you've been frustrated with your child. Maybe it's academic, behavioral, social, developmental - whatever comes to mind first. Now ask yourself honestly: Am I looking to my interests or theirs right now?
Is my frustration about them, or is it about me? What would change if I approached this situation with humility, valuing them above my own expectations? What would it look like to truly look to their interests - to understand their "why," to honor their pace, to support rather than push?
Then do one thing differently this week based on that reflection.
Because here's what I know: When we parent out of the encouragement, comfort, love, and tenderness we've received from Christ – when we extend that same grace to our kids – everything changes.
We stop seeing them as projects to perfect and start seeing them as people to love.
And that's exactly what they need from us.
